Monday, April 9, 2007

Blue Sunday

Today was Easter, the celebration of the resurrection of Christ. I didn't go to church - haven't been in some time. My family is displeased with me even though I don't go very many places any more.

Yesterday, we went with our realtor to look at mobile homes. We found one that will work just fine but it's going to be a squeeze financially. I'm quite content because it has a small, very beautiful back yard. I need greenery for my soul.

Right after we returned home yesterday, I got smacked with a horrible migraine. The stress is mounting, and so will, I'm afraid, my migraines. Even with my meds it hung around all day and into Monday a.m.

I never heard from any of my children today. Easter used to be such a wonderful day! Beautiful new clothes for everyone, a wonderful sermon, a family dinner and hunting Easter eggs. Today, it was a lousy headache and self-loathing . When the kids were little my aunt used to always fix me a basket, too. She'd toss in a necklace and earrings or some perfume. Easter always meant love of family and most importantly, love of Christ for us, His church.

I used to love Easter for the solemnity of the service and then the joy of the resurrection story.
Why doesn't it bring me joy now? I still believe, I will always believe...but I have no joy in my heart. I tried to put on a brave face, I wished others a "blessed Easter, " and I meant it but I cannot apply the sentiment to myself, no matter how hard I try. Even reading the account in the scriptures didn't spark the usual flame.

I watched some of the Fox special on Jesus - the new one wasn't too bad but my guilt is too much to bear right now. My depression is decreasing again, may need an adjustment on meds. I have forty days left in my home. This change is scaring me - is it the right thing to do? I'm sure that's why I'm typing with my eyes closed because the light hurts my eyes too much and my thoughts are so fragmented. I feel the spiral beginning and it feels as though it may spin out of control. Again. But I have to be strong. And I don't want to. I just want to slide down into the softness and stay there. I don't want to be me anymore but I will go on because it is required of me. Even though I hear my family says they love me but why was I alone today...I don't understand.

Dear Lord in Heaven, I thank you for the sacrifices you have made for me, your humble servant.


david santos said...

Very nice, Done grace!
Thanks for you work have a good week

Constance said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry you hurt --