Friday, April 27, 2007


I would like to stand at the base of these falls and let the moist, cool water fall over my head and calm my spirit. It was so hot today and I did nothing but pace today like a horse that had sniffed the air and knew it needed to be somewhere important but had no one to take it from the corral and began to snort and paw at the ground. Impatience ran through me but I couldn't channel my energy in order to accomplish anything. That makes my stomach churn and my temples throb.

I know what needs to be done but I want to run away. Escape the responsibilities of packing and another garage/moving sale. I'm selling the majority of my furniture and will not have the money to replace it. The window that needs to be replaced has jumped to $800 - the original estimate was $485. It could've been much worse - we could've had termites or some such.

Now that the house is sold, I just want it to be over with...I don't want to linger here any longer.
We have less than three weeks left to finish repairs, organize a garage sale and move. And we're expected to break a record tomorrow for high temperatures - 95 degrees. It's been so cool and comfortable...

I want to slide into that pristine pool of water, let the waters rush over my head and pretend everything is just fine.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007



I poke my finger in my eye
to hide the fact I want to cry;
the tears run down my face like rain
and hide the fact I live in pain;
I live in fear and walk in night
because I have turned out the light;
I cannot face what I do not see
hoping all bad things will flee;
but faceless demons fill the hole
that I have left within my soul.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Blue Sunday

Today was Easter, the celebration of the resurrection of Christ. I didn't go to church - haven't been in some time. My family is displeased with me even though I don't go very many places any more.

Yesterday, we went with our realtor to look at mobile homes. We found one that will work just fine but it's going to be a squeeze financially. I'm quite content because it has a small, very beautiful back yard. I need greenery for my soul.

Right after we returned home yesterday, I got smacked with a horrible migraine. The stress is mounting, and so will, I'm afraid, my migraines. Even with my meds it hung around all day and into Monday a.m.

I never heard from any of my children today. Easter used to be such a wonderful day! Beautiful new clothes for everyone, a wonderful sermon, a family dinner and hunting Easter eggs. Today, it was a lousy headache and self-loathing . When the kids were little my aunt used to always fix me a basket, too. She'd toss in a necklace and earrings or some perfume. Easter always meant love of family and most importantly, love of Christ for us, His church.

I used to love Easter for the solemnity of the service and then the joy of the resurrection story.
Why doesn't it bring me joy now? I still believe, I will always believe...but I have no joy in my heart. I tried to put on a brave face, I wished others a "blessed Easter, " and I meant it but I cannot apply the sentiment to myself, no matter how hard I try. Even reading the account in the scriptures didn't spark the usual flame.

I watched some of the Fox special on Jesus - the new one wasn't too bad but my guilt is too much to bear right now. My depression is decreasing again, may need an adjustment on meds. I have forty days left in my home. This change is scaring me - is it the right thing to do? I'm sure that's why I'm typing with my eyes closed because the light hurts my eyes too much and my thoughts are so fragmented. I feel the spiral beginning and it feels as though it may spin out of control. Again. But I have to be strong. And I don't want to. I just want to slide down into the softness and stay there. I don't want to be me anymore but I will go on because it is required of me. Even though I hear my family says they love me but why was I alone today...I don't understand.

Dear Lord in Heaven, I thank you for the sacrifices you have made for me, your humble servant.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

An Offer We Can Refuse...

I'm in a funk today. I was in a funk yesterday. Now I'm really in a FUNK! Our realtor called with our first offer on the house. It's $20k below asking price and they want us to pay $10k closing costs. WTF??? That's my mood for the day so it was an appropriate offer. I managed to bring my bottom jaw back up to the level of my upper jaw and looked at hubman. He was still trying to do the same. The market has fallen so quickly that the amount left over would barely let us find a place to live, let alone buy mountain property.

We're demoralized, weary, frustrated and just bummed. We told them to stick it, more or less. We stayed firm with the price but offered to pay closing costs. See what happens...

Every one seems to be in a funk. People on the blogs seem to be on the edge, maybe it's just me. I've had to turn off the news - I can't handle certain events that are going on right now. The world that I know and love is spinning upside down in political correctness and foolishness. I feel as if common sense is an outdated commodity and the need to hate the president is so severe and overwhelming that the extreme liberal wing will do anything possible to pull the plug on any agenda that may help win this war.

I feel that if Bush said the world is round they'd swear it's flat. They're accusing the right of being full of hate but their hatred of Bush and everything the man stands for is over the top. They accuse Fox News of being slanted but they get their news from the Daily Kos and others like it. I check out other news sites because I want to hear it from both sides. I don't want CBS telling me "They Care," because it's a boatload of bullshit. They care about my dollar and nothing else.

Glenn Beck makes a great point. Follow the money trail. Who's going to get rich off of all these stupid carbon footprints? Where are the oil profits going? Both sides only care about getting re-elected and lining their coffers. I do not trust the majority of politicians any longer. Follow the money trail.

I believe in absolute truth, and my truth is not going to be my neighbor's truth. That's why wars are fought. This depresses me to the marrow of my bones because this world will never see peace. I will put my little peace globe on my site but I do not believe peace will ever be achieved. Man is inherently evil - not good. If it were the reverse, the Holocaust would never have happened! The good in man would have overcome the wicked. It never happens that way, though, does it...the bad draw the good down with them.

I can feel the negativity crackle in me just as though I had touched an electrical outlet. I need to go away from this and find my own peace some where. I can find myself drifting farther and farther from any kind of harmony today. Funk. That's what it is - a deeper funk. I want to be a mermaid and swim far below the ocean surface, far away from humans. Just for awhile...until peace prevails.