Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Isolation


Why is it that you can be meandering around in your head having a wonderful time and, all of a sudden the meandering turns into mindless hatred. I hate this place I find myself "living" in. I've kept a stiff upper lip for my husband's sake and now, it's his turn.

Today, I fixed a wonderful dinner - one of my best ever. I fixed a cake for dessert and had everything ready all at once, which in itself is a challenge. Cooking has been a challenge and I don't cook like this often, so it was a big deal to me. I was cleaning up and wanted to dispose of some grease and couldn't find a container as the trash had already been taken out.

I've been cleaning out the "bird room" for the 100th time, trying to find space and had collected a few bags of paper trash, so I very carefully poured the grease into the bag and carted it outside to the trash. Yeah, it dripped all the way.

Now, the carpet, including the greatly hated kitchen carpet (carpet from Hell) and as I reached for the Resolve, I began to cry. I want my old place back. I HATE THIS PLACE. I know, I've gone through the repetoire of how much worse off I could be and I know that in my brain but for right now, in this time and space, in my heart - I HATE IT HERE!

I can't keep things clean because of the wear and tear - carpet in the bathrooms, the place is so dated and I still have boxes stacked around because I don't know wtf to do with them. I've thrown out, sold, and given away so much crap and I still am inundated with more than I can handle.
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I was a fairly popular kid in school. I had a good amount of friends and always had something going on the weekends. I was good in sports and if you remember the diabolical way kids chose one another for teams I was usually the captain or first one chosen. Now, I know how the fat, ugly kids felt. (BTW, I always tried to befriend them or choose someone who I knew wouldn't get chosen, even if it meant our team had a lesser chance of winning - I have always considered people's feelings to my own detriment.)

I feel really stupid about this but it seems as though certain friends of mine have decided I'm not important to them and I have to watch the fun progress without me, even while making comments of support and trying to be involved. I want to drop out and just stay away. I feel the horrible way I used to feel at work when everyone around me was laughing and having a good time and I was the one picking up all the telephone calls coming in.

Why do I feel as if I don't fit in anywhere??? I haven't felt this isolated in some time. My girls hardly ever call - we never do anything together (part of this is my fault because of my "bi-polarness." Somedays I'm up for stuff and other days I don't feel like leaving the house. So they can hardly be blamed for not calling. I'm never angry, just not very involved.)

But I felt safe here on the blogs, developing friends with whom I can be anonymous, people who I thought really cared for me and now I'm feeling as if it's just anpother cosmic joke.

I am going to publish this because it's how I feel right now. I'm having one big helluva pity party and feeling socially left out. Tomorrow, I may feel the same way or my mood may swing again back to the right direction. Who knows - and who the hell cares.

1 comment:

http://www.revealedreflections.com said...

Hi. I read your beautifully written post and it touched me. Can we be friends? I am not bi-polar, but do struggle with depression and will always be on antidepressants. Those of us with mood disorders are all in the same boat.
My email is mary1440@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you. I will support you as best I can. Always I will care!!