It Comes andGoes

I'm happy that I haven't felt the need to post here in ten months. I've been up and down, and like the tide, depression pulls and tugs at you. I was at a low point a few nights ago and chose to post about it on Echoes, when I should've posted here. My whole decision to have two blogs was based on the fact that I wanted to keep the other blog lighter in scope.

Today is a better day. I knew it would be.

Life - Take it or Leave it

I can't believe it's almost been nine months since I last posted here. Life was fairly smooth there for a time; not very many bumps in the road. That came to a screeching halt on 11/20/08. We are now statistics of the economic slowdown. My hubman was laid off - now we have no insurance or income. All the paperwork has been filed for unemployment and SSI, so we're just waiting for that first check to come. It was so kind of his employer to do this right before the holidays - at least they waited until he was able to collect SSI.

Scared? Yeah. I finally got to the point where my meds were keeping me on the right track and now... I don't know what to do. All I know is - tomorrow is our 30th anniversary, we love each other and God is in control. That will do for now!

Spinning Out of Control...

I have come to the conclusion that my mind is like some kind of cosmic playground designed by Stephen King. My thoughts go 'round and 'round like a carousel going in constant circles, up and down on a horse with glass eyes. My ears echo with loud music performed by the Phantom of the Opera on an gigantic pipe organ, which hurts my ears and overwhelms the senses.

The teeter-totter goes up and down, up and down, up and down; the swings propel me forward then back again; the slide has steep steps, a quick descent; relief but then I realize I must climb the steps once again to merit the ride down; the merry-go-round goes out of control and when I manage to make it stop, I cannot stand upright but go stumbling off like a drunken sot. I run in the sand, fall and skin my knees and go barefoot on the sweet green grass, only to step in dog poop.

My mind is like being in the eye of the hurricane; calm - then suddenly a spinning vortex of all sorts of things that have been caught in the voracious wind. Thoughts spin and twist out of control, while trying to latch onto something solid, redeemable and trustworthy.

I am reminded of Sisyphus, pushing that enormous rock up the hill only to have it slide back down. Poor Sisyphus, an eternity of pushing and dodging; having hope that maybe, just maybe, one more try and that stone will fly down the other side of the mountain, and Sisyphus will no longer be a slave to his burden.

That's how my thoughts are: heavy, complicated and usually barreling back at me. Will I ever be able to conquer this fragmentation of thought?

Isolation

Why is it that you can be meandering around in your head having a wonderful time and, all of a sudden the meandering turns into mindless hatred. I hate this place I find myself "living" in. I've kept a stiff upper lip for my husband's sake and now, it's his turn.

Today, I fixed a wonderful dinner - one of my best ever. I fixed a cake for dessert and had everything ready all at once, which in itself is a challenge. Cooking has been a challenge and I don't cook like this often, so it was a big deal to me. I was cleaning up and wanted to dispose of some grease and couldn't find a container as the trash had already been taken out.

I've been cleaning out the "bird room" for the 100th time, trying to find space and had collected a few bags of paper trash, so I very carefully poured the grease into the bag and carted it outside to the trash. Yeah, it dripped all the way.

Now, the carpet, including the greatly hated kitchen carpet (carpet from Hell) and as I reached for the Resolve, I began to cry. I want my old place back. I HATE THIS PLACE. I know, I've gone through the repetoire of how much worse off I could be and I know that in my brain but for right now, in this time and space, in my heart - I HATE IT HERE!

I can't keep things clean because of the wear and tear - carpet in the bathrooms, the place is so dated and I still have boxes stacked around because I don't know wtf to do with them. I've thrown out, sold, and given away so much crap and I still am inundated with more than I can handle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was a fairly popular kid in school. I had a good amount of friends and always had something going on the weekends. I was good in sports and if you remember the diabolical way kids chose one another for teams I was usually the captain or first one chosen. Now, I know how the fat, ugly kids felt. (BTW, I always tried to befriend them or choose someone who I knew wouldn't get chosen, even if it meant our team had a lesser chance of winning - I have always considered people's feelings to my own detriment.)

I feel really stupid about this but it seems as though certain friends of mine have decided I'm not important to them and I have to watch the fun progress without me, even while making comments of support and trying to be involved. I want to drop out and just stay away. I feel the horrible way I used to feel at work when everyone around me was laughing and having a good time and I was the one picking up all the telephone calls coming in.

Why do I feel as if I don't fit in anywhere??? I haven't felt this isolated in some time. My girls hardly ever call - we never do anything together (part of this is my fault because of my "bi-polarness." Somedays I'm up for stuff and other days I don't feel like leaving the house. So they can hardly be blamed for not calling. I'm never angry, just not very involved.)

But I felt safe here on the blogs, developing friends with whom I can be anonymous, people who I thought really cared for me and now I'm feeling as if it's just anpother cosmic joke.

I am going to publish this because it's how I feel right now. I'm having one big helluva pity party and feeling socially left out. Tomorrow, I may feel the same way or my mood may swing again back to the right direction. Who knows - and who the hell cares.

"I Believe in Love"

"I BELIEVE IN LOVE"

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?

Is there still faith in me to reach the end?

I'm feeling doubt - I'm losing faith;

But giving up would cost me everything.

So I'll stand in the pain and silence,

And I'll speak to the dark night;

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining,

I believe in love even when I don't feel it,

And I believe in God even when He is silent....

And I, I believe!

Though I can't see my stories ending,

That doesn't mean the dark night has no end;

It's only here that I find faith,

And learn to trust the one who writes my days;

So I'll stand in the pain and silence,

And I'll speak to the dark night.
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining;

I believe in love even when I don't feel it,

And I believe in God even when He is silent...

And I, I believe.

No dark can consume Light;

No death greater than this life.

We are not forgotten,

Hope is found when we say

Even when He is silent.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining;

I believe in love even when I don't feel it,

And I believe in God even when He is silent.

And I, I believe.

----Barlow Girl

I "borrowed this from Mel, who, without a doubt, has one of the strongest testimonies I've read in a long time. Her beloved was killed in Iraq - they were yet to be married. She has attended weddings of friends who just "don't get it." Her hurt and pain have not left her without the one greatest blessing of mankind: HOPE.

Three More Funerals...

A father and son, both awaiting a certain death. The ironies of this life - death will not wait.
The father is 93, the son is in his sixties. The father has seen much grief and sorrow in his lifetime but has borne it all with much strength and grace. And now, it is a waiting game.
Will he outlive his son?

The son was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer several months ago. He was doing fairly well but it was not to be. It has spread into his stomach and he is now beyond medical help. He has seen his fair share of sorrow. His oldest son was in a car accident in which his back was broken and he is now a paraplegic. The ironies continue:

His cousin was born with Spina Bifida and does not have the use of his legs. The grandfather was diagnosed with Diabetes some years ago, and due to malpractice, lost his leg. One family, three male members having lost the use of their limbs. But God has endowed them with huge hearts!

The father (grandfather) was diagnosed this week with a malignant tumor that is very close to his lung, and due to his age and other maladies, mainly the diabetes, the doctors feel it is inoperable. Another member of this family is also dying: the father's brother. He is also in his 90's. He has cancer.

So the extended families draw close to one another, gaining strength from one another, knowing that they are facing the loss of three of their own within a short time frame. It is exceptionally difficult as the holidays approach. Please pray for them...

Can I Forgive? Must I?

Daily forgiveness

"As long as you don't forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy rent-free space in your mind."

-- Isabelle Holland

"We cannot avoid daily resentment and thoughts of guilt. They are a part of human nature.

What we can do is release their grip on us. We can forgive others and ourselves daily.

Forgiveness requires nothing in return. There are no conditions. It gets rid of old baggage and clears up unfinished business. It leads us to a life of authenticity, lightness and directness. Forgiveness is the highest form of letting go of resentment and ego.

True forgiveness is more than an apology, understanding and acceptance. There is an element of recreating and re-imagining. There is a need to envision ourselves as more loving, interdependent, courageous and compassionate. Forgiveness requires honouring the sacred journey of learning about life - our life and others'. "

---anonymous

I have tried so hard to forgive the person who has hurt me. I have asked for forgiveness from them directly but was once again, ridiculed. I have asked God for forgiveness for my anger against this person and I realize that my ego is standing in the way. I didn't do anything wrong - that's why it is so difficult to practically beg for forgiveness. I have always feared rejection. It has happened so many times, whether by death or intentions and my ego fights against it continuously. Everyone I have ever loved seems to have rejected me in one way or another, except for two very dear people.

All I can do is to continue to pray that hearts will soften and be changed. I need to find true forgiveness and to forgive seventy times seven. My journey of learning is leading me down a very lonely path and at times, I'm lost. I need to redefine myself and the way I see the hurt and let it go, quit clinging to it. Release it into the forest where I cannot see it any longer - let it go...

I will be healthier.