Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Overwhelming Sadness


I'm really in a rabbit hole - the tears have come easily today and often. I feel as though I'm in a closet, locked away. I haven't returned a call to my daughter because it's so difficult to talk. What does one chat about when one feels like that really have no reason or purpose? No one tries to understand the nature of being depressed. It goes so far beyond being "moody." My family either denies I have it or feel it is just a spiritual problem. It's just mom being weird.
I used to have anger issues which as I've gotten older I am able to control the outward manifestations but I stuff it all down inside me and chew it as though it was a palitable meal. I understand why people hurt themselves to get attention. You want to scream out loud that it's real and it's devouring me from the inside out, just as a cancer would; down to the rot and the stench of dying flesh, my desires are dying. I don't want to be. The effort is getting harder and harder to keep getting up in the morning. Why is it that some people fight so hard to live and to others it would be a blessing not to wake up? Why do I stay in this place for days, weeks, without leaving? It's too much effort to get dressed and go "perform." Nothing is real anymore.

I've had two separate migranes today. Forty-three years of migraines...and chronic sadness. I can be in the middle of a group of people and feel totally alone. I've been at church with my husband after services and had to go sit in the car because I was overwhelmed with thoughts of being alone, while all about me, people are visiting and loving one another. What makes me feel this way? I try so hard to reach out to people but there are times that I feel invisible. I don't know how to be loving, hard as I try. Right now, deep in my chest I feel a crushing sensation, as if the weight of all this has come to sit upon me and pin me down so I can't do a thing about it.

I'm writing feelings as they come - tomorrow I may be okay. But tonight I look out over a glass ocean, black as the night, adrift by myself,; no idea of where the boat will take me.
Just knowing that I will feel alone, as usual. I wrote a poem once, called "Isolation." It describes how I feel completely isolated in the middle of people. I don't feel safe. I feel as though I'm nothing more than a burden weighing down those about me.

It's tomorrow and I'm not okay...I opened my eyes hoping to see everything through rose-colored glasses but my headache came crashing down on me, making me want to just go back to sleep but that won't happen. My cousin called to say that her son is taking a turn for the worse. His kidneys are failing and his liver is not functioning properly. His dad doesn't want to spend the money on tickets to fly back to see him - truth be known, he's afraid of seeing him. He's lost 70 lbs. My cousin said they may not see him again and they've got to get back there one way or another. So after bickering over the price of tickets, he decided to go. She's afraid they won't make it in time...I ache for her and hope everything will be okay and he will recover. It should make my problems disappear completely but the blackness completely surrounds me today.

3 comments:

Gledwood said...

Do you know my old counsellor told me the impulse to live is the strongest instinct we have - that's why suicide is so much easier said than done...
Sometimes it's only when you're looking death in the face suddenly you realize you don't want to die at all!
Know what I mean??

Loving Annie said...

Oh Gracie, you sound like I do when I am suicidal... You understand... And yet, I ache for you, for your pain, for the way it feels, for I know it too. You are not alone --

Lynda said...

Hello - I just happened to find your blog. I don't know if you are still there on this blog since the dates are old. I do know how you feel - and depression is a medical condition, not a spiritual one. I hope you have gotten help - I took anti-depressants for years and years and just finally last year was able to get off them. I still feel sad - but since I have had professional "help", I am able to give the sadness only its rightful place and not let it control me. You are loved.